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One of the more confusing things about boundaries is that doing the right thing doesn’t always feel good afterwards. It can bring mixed feelings. Sometimes a boundary brings relief, calm, clarity, or a sense of protection. Yet it can also leave us feeling heavy, unsettled, guilty, or unexpectedly sad. That can be hard to make…
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Most of us recognise the moment we get snappy. You hear a sharpness in your voice as you respond to something small. The tone comes out more impatient than you intended and within seconds you realise you didn’t want to say it like that. Often the reaction has already happened before awareness arrives. A few…
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One of the most useful things to understand when thinking about reacting vs responding, is The Decision Maker steering wheel always has one of your forces controlling it. In every moment something is driving your behaviour. The question is simply which force is sitting in that seat. Sometimes it’s The Wise. When that happens, decisions…
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Learning how to think before you speak and take action changes the quality of your conversations, your relationships and your reputation. Most tension doesn’t begin with bad intent, it begins with speed. And many of us struggle to slow our mind to firstly listen and secondly be more considered in what we say and do.…
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Every decision you make is influenced by emotion. That makes emotional intelligence vital to living the life you want. Not just obvious feelings like anger or excitement. Even choices that feel logical are shaped by what’s happening internally and by the emotional atmosphere around you. Other people’s frustration, urgency or anxiety can affect your state.…
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For the last 24 hours I’ve felt anxious. Not paralysing, but enough to notice it properly. My head feels foggy, a little scattered and it’s hard to concentrate. I feel mentally off balance and have temporarily lost some capacity. Physically I’m tired in that heavy way where the idea of spending the day in bed…
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I’ve never seen either side of me as a problem. It’s just for a long time I didn’t understand them, and perhaps not fully value my different feelings. I’ve been told I’m ‘too nice’ at times, but also too harsh or distant. Knowing what I do now about myself, I can understand that view when…
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There is always another finish line. Perfectionism keeps us pushing, and over time that push can lead to burnout. I tell myself that once I submit the proposal, sort the house, complete the training block or have the difficult conversation, I’ll finally relax. That’s the finish line illusion at work. Perfectionism convinces me that calm…
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There’s every chance you will live with your difficulties at some level forever – that doesn’t mean they will be prominent all the time. Everyone has ‘issues’, the list of potential ones is long. In my experience we can get really good at recognising poor brain patterns, dysfunctional behaviours and negative feelings. Then become experts…
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I’ve had a few days to recover from my burn out. My brain fog has cleared and my headache almost gone. I’ve let my brain think, wonder and take action when I’m confident in the decision. One of the hardest was to start the process of passing my cat on. She isn’t a lot of…
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This is one of the most grounding questions I can ask myself when I feel insecure, uncertain or overwhelmed. It would be closed minded if you dismissed learning from others and arrogant to suggest one person knows it all. So it’s not to say other peoples views aren’t useful or valid – it’s just you…
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What is emotional independence? Emotional independence is a skill within emotional intelligence (EQ). It’s the ability to feel emotional energy, care about others and remain open to connection without your emotional state being controlled or overly influenced by the reactions, moods or behaviour of the people around you. It applies not only in close relationships,…
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I used to keep anger in my shadow. Not only did I hide it from others, but I didn’t understand why I needed it. Most of us are taught as a kid to suppress rage. It’s too difficult for our parents to deal with, it’s anti-social an unprofessional. I buy into that if it’s left…
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Imagine someone on a tightrope – it might look precarious, unstable even. But there’s great personal stability in balance. One of my highest values in life is a stable environment for me and my family. My drive for this was born from not having it as a child. Until recently, this drive was invisible to…
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Sad, angry, happy, scared, ok or not ok – it’s ok. Recognise it. Feel it. Study it. Perhaps the feeling is useful in taking an action, maybe it helps you learn something about yourself, or it could be based on a misunderstanding. Regardless, I’ve seen personally that when I take action it leads to something…
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I believe that being selfish when everyone benefits is wise thinking. However we do need to be careful in our relationships that we don’t always put ourselves first. Doing so can make those who are actually important, feel unimportant. I also think it’s also good for our soul to spend some of our energy serving…
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Even if that’s saying yes to putting yourself first. Most of us find it difficult saying no to others. That could be at work, friends asking if you want to go out or family asking you for a lift into town. We worry about letting people down, feeling incapable or others judging us. We shouldn’t…
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A little heads up – this is a bit of a pep talk, because sometimes it takes a jolt. So please take it as it’s intended (positive), and nothing else. It’s ok to be down from time to time, but prolonged gloom makes it difficult for you and your loved ones. They will support you,…
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There are two types of resilience, getting back up and being difficult to knock down in the first place. The latter follows the former. As we learn from set backs, difficulties and failures we become more robust. And in doing so we develop skills, habits and a mindset that prevents us from being overwhelmed or…
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We all have commitments, responsibilities and goals that use our energy. So we need to stay in regular touch with our mental and physical condition and make deliberate decisions to counter balance our actions so that we stay in equilibrium. Imagine a classic set of scales. The goal is to stay balanced. Add exercise to…
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It happens, even to the most mature. So what can make us lose our composure? It can be one or a combination of physical and mental triggers. Physical Triggers Mental Triggers Holding your composure takes ongoing management, proactive self-care and a regular balancing of your physical and mental state. It’s important that we counter stress…
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Discipline might feel like a sacrifice but it’s vital for personal and professional success. It instills habits, fosters consistency, and cultivates resilience. Without discipline, goals may remain unaccomplished, hindering growth and achievement. It provides the structure needed to navigate challenges, stay focused, and persevere in the face of obstacles. Discipline is the bridge between aspirations…
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Binge eating is a very complex behavior and emotional mismanagement is only one factor that makes us turn to food, there are physiological dynamics too. It’s a behaviour that interests me because my mother suffers from it and it’s something I do at times. Here’s a breakdown of what can contribute to a binge: Emotional…
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Staying emotionally balanced is not about feeling calm all the time. It’s about staying connected to yourself when your emotions rise and fall, whether they come from your own internal world or from the people around you. A lot of emotional imbalance comes from what we absorb without noticing. Other people’s tension, frustration, or urgency…
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The core of self-mastery is emotional and physical stability. But what are the factors that, if unaddressed, push us beyond our limits? External Stressors Internal Pressures Lifestyle Factors If you find yourself off balance, try these 3 things to rightsize your emotions and these 3 things to find physical calm.
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Emotional and physical regulation are two of the cornerstones of self-mastery and daily balance. Think of the people you consider to be wise and in control…even if you can’t ’see’ their physical equilibrium, you’ll recognise how well balanced their emotions are. They are of course, intrinsically connected. In my experience they come as a pair.…
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Small talk fosters connections by creating a comfortable social environment. It establishes rapport, uncovers common ground, and helps people feel at ease. Beyond pleasantries, it lays the foundation for deeper conversations, enabling you to explore shared interests and build relationships. In professional settings, it enhances networking and collaboration, while in personal interactions, it strengthens bonds.…
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That’s what I write at the top of my pad during important meetings as a reminder for how I want to behave under pressure. And this is what I do before, during and after. Before During the session After I reflect on how it went. What I could do differently next time and give myself…
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Our mindset impacts how we feel and how we behave. We can have many mindsets. And even build and trigger our own. This is useful as part of our self-mastery journey to help us achieve our goals and behave in-line with our principles.
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The last 10% can often be the hardest, regardless of how long you’ve been going. It’s usually to do with expectation.
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Like most people, my body relationship started as a hit puberty. Body fat was a focus for my family. My parents judged others…passers by and family members.
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As someone who leans towards logic and rational thinking, I find this one difficult to accept. But if I turn to the facts, based on my experience, I can see that the behaviors and moods of others, the weather and world events impact how I feel.
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I think you can have a rational view that all things considered you are ‘happy’. That can be a broad term that covers a number of things like satisfaction, contentment and optimism. It’s also possible that at the same time your mood says otherwise. You might feel flat at times. That happens to us all.
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The marathon is an unforgiving distance if you try and run it as fast as you can. I started with very little knowledge and experience, almost no maturity and some wisdom as to why it was important to me. My first effort was 4:26. My best 3 years later…2:58.
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Reading something in a book is a greater way to expand your knowledge. It’s then the application of that information and exposure to real life scenarios which builds your experience, maturity and wisdom.
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Out of the seven habits of highly effective people, by Stephen Covey, this is my favorite. Understanding first creates stronger relationships because people feel heard; means there is less chance of making a mistake by suggest the wrong solution; helps reduce conflict by disarming emotional situations; and from a practical point of view, makes conversations…
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If you suspect something might be about to ‘blow’ in one of your relationships, at work or any other area of life. Don’t bury your head in the sand…face it.
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All the pings, buzzes and bells from the dozens of channels that lead to you. You can’t (necessarily) stop them coming in, but you can step away…
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When you think about it logically, it’s better that if we can, we all work because it contributes to the economy – which whether we like it or not, enables the majority of us to live.
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Even important and meaningful things in your life can have scary, anxious moments. And it’s in those times you need to find the courage and self control to keep moving forward.
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Learning from others is one of the richest sources of knowledge towards self mastery. But not just those you spend the most time with.
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By ‘me’ I mean who ever is reading this (including actual me 😊) We are responsible for ourselves. The actions we take, our behaviors and what we spend time on.
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It’s going to happen. It could be a feeling of stress, being overwhelmed or like you literally have no more brain capacity.
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Talking is a great way to manage your emotions, get to a point of clarity and simply feel better. However, there are a couple of challenges I have observed…
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This is a controversial post. A provocative thought about some of our social media behavior. But there is a deeper message behind it.
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A farmer has a goose that lays golden eggs. He gets greedy wanting more and more eggs and becomes complacent in looking after the very thing that produces the gold. The goose dies and the eggs stop.
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Not aggressively, but with class and humility. Not without caring for others, but most definitely caring about you.
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There are pros and cons to high EQ. The ability to self-regulate by understanding what you’re feeling and manage it well, is a huge strength in both work and life. When that sits alongside empathy and strong motivation, it can make someone especially steady and valuable to be around. They’re more able to keep going…
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Another great quote from smarter people than me. I remember reading this in my early 20’s and it stuck with me.
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Emotional intelligence (EI), often called emotional quotient (EQ), is the ability to recognise, understand and manage your own emotions while also recognising and responding effectively to the emotions of others. It involves emotional awareness, self-regulation, empathy and the ability to navigate relationships constructively. This concept became widely known through the work of psychologist Daniel Goleman,…
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You might be aware of the mind exercise where you ask someone to memorise everything in the room that’s red, then close their eyes and ask them to list 5 things that are blue.
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We can choose to define what makes us happy, how we spend our time and our response to any given situation. It doesn’t mean that external factors can’t have a negative impact on us and it doesn’t mean we ‘feel’ happy on the inside in every given moment.
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These are the top behaviors that sit at the heart of the best people I know. I tend to focus on practicing one in particular for a period of time. I think they are like anything else, the more your practice…
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One ‘kick’ isn’t enough to stay afloat. The need consistent and efficient movement to keep your head above the water.
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It’s easy to get caught up in the constant of tasks, responsibilities, and distractions. However, engaging in the practice of self-reflection can be a transformative and invaluable tool on our journey of personal growth and self-discovery.
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Patience is one of the most difficult things to master, but vital to long term, meaningful success. I like to use the sand jar analogy…
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The David Goggins mindset has its place – when the chips are down or you need to dig in. But it’s not realistic to live in a constant state of stress.
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Beware the unimportant disguised as urgent. Or the easier, nicer tasks luring you away from what really matters.