This collection of resources explores how to strengthen your self-mastery to use The Decision Maker to live more deliberately.
Start with these
- How to deal with impatience and when it’s actually helpful — Why impatience isn’t the problem, and what to do when it reaches the wheel before awareness does.
- Why does tiredness make us react? — How exhaustion shrinks the gap between stimulus and response.
- Why do we get snappy even when we don’t mean to? — The reaction that’s already happened before awareness arrives.
- When the Warrior or Willing takes the Decision Maker wheel — How to notice which part of you is currently driving.
- Making decisions with fear and anxiety — Working through a real moment when the system is overloaded.
Latest articles
When the need to be better than everyone is exhausting
There’s a pattern that turns up more often than we like to admit, where the need to feel better than everyone is followed by guilt about having needed it, sometimes after we’ve already hurt someone in the process. The Warrior is reaching for worth through being better. The Willing arrives after with the guilt of…
Read moreEmotions vs feelings: what’s the difference and why it matters
We use the words emotions and feelings as if they mean the same thing. Most of the time that’s fine, but when we’re trying to understand what’s actually happening inside us, the difference starts to matter. Emotions are the signals within how we feel, and naming them more accurately changes the quality of the information…
Read moreYou feel anxious about what others think of your work
The moment I started writing personal stories about The Decision Maker, my Willing started worrying. People will recognise themselves. Someone will call me two faced for not showing all my emotions in the moment. I argued back that the truth is most of us feel these things anyway, but the anxiety didn’t go anywhere. Here’s…
Read moreWhere are the lines of emotional responsibility?
We’re responsible for our own feelings and behaviour, but that doesn’t mean we stop caring about how we affect each other. Emotional responsibility helps us hold cleaner boundaries, raise what matters with care, and let go of what we choose not to voice, rather than storing it as resentment.
Read moreHow to deal with impatience and when it’s actually helpful
Impatience isn’t the problem. The problem is what happens when it reaches the wheel before awareness does — you start painting the hallway, then the skirting boards, then wonder why the evening’s gone and nothing important got done. Here’s how to let impatience wake you up without letting it run you.
Read moreWhy does tiredness make us react?
A long day, a tired family, a hotel reception, and a request for ID I didn’t have. Within seconds my tone had an edge — measured, but no longer neutral. Tiredness doesn’t feel like an emotion. It feels physical. But what it does to the gap between stimulus and response is why so many of…
Read moreWhat does depression feel like?
Depression doesn’t always look like staying in bed. Sometimes you function on the surface while something underneath has gone quiet. Sometimes there’s an obvious reason. Sometimes there isn’t. This is a piece about what it actually feels like, why deliberate action still matters when nothing feels like it will help, and when it’s time to…
Read moreWhy do I feel sad and guilty after setting a boundary?
One of the more confusing things about boundaries is that doing the right thing doesn’t always feel good afterwards. It can bring mixed feelings. Sometimes a boundary brings relief, calm, clarity, or a sense of protection. Yet it can also leave us feeling heavy, unsettled, guilty, or unexpectedly sad. That can be hard to make…
Read moreHow to build your softer side: The Willing
Most of us don’t need to build our Willing from scratch. Our softer, more gentle side is already there. The task is learning how to build your Willing in a way that makes it safe, easy to trust, and more available when life needs honesty, care or connection. For some people, their Willing has been…
Read moreHow to build your Warrior
Most of us don’t need to build our Warrior from scratch, we already have one within us. The real skill is learning how to build your Warrior in a way that gives it a clear role, makes it dependable and used in a deliberate way. The issue is that it’s usually either buried, inconsistent, or…
Read moreHow to move through sadness
Sadness is something we all experience, but when it’s present it can feel hard to move through. It’s one of the most impactful feelings as it can stop you in your tracks, which not only feels difficult in the moment, but it can have a knock on impact on your relationships, health and work. At…
Read moreWhy do we get snappy even when we don’t mean to?
Most of us recognise the moment we get snappy. You hear a sharpness in your voice as you respond to something small. The tone comes out more impatient than you intended and within seconds you realise you didn’t want to say it like that. Often the reaction has already happened before awareness arrives. A few…
Read moreEmotional contagion: why other people’s emotions affect you
What is emotional contagion? Emotional contagion is the tendency for emotions to spread between people. Without realising it, we often absorb the emotional tone of the environments we enter. A tense meeting can leave you feeling tight and guarded. A relaxed conversation with friends can lift your mood before you’ve even noticed why. This happens…
Read moreWhen the Warrior or Willing takes the Decision Maker wheel
One of the most useful things to understand when thinking about reacting vs responding, is The Decision Maker steering wheel always has one of your forces controlling it. In every moment something is driving your behaviour. The question is simply which force is sitting in that seat. Sometimes it’s The Wise. When that happens, decisions…
Read moreHow to think before you speak or take action
Learning how to think before you speak and take action changes the quality of your conversations, your relationships and your reputation. Most tension doesn’t begin with bad intent, it begins with speed. And many of us struggle to slow our mind to firstly listen and secondly be more considered in what we say and do.…
Read moreEmotional intelligence and the quality of your decisions
Every decision you make is influenced by emotion. That makes emotional intelligence vital to living the life you want. Not just obvious feelings like anger or excitement. Even choices that feel logical are shaped by what’s happening internally and by the emotional atmosphere around you. Other people’s frustration, urgency or anxiety can affect your state.…
Read moreMaking decisions with fear and anxiety
For the last 24 hours I’ve felt anxious. Not paralysing, but enough to notice it properly. My head feels foggy, a little scattered and it’s hard to concentrate. I feel mentally off balance and have temporarily lost some capacity. Physically I’m tired in that heavy way where the idea of spending the day in bed…
Read moreHow to make calm decisions
Learning how to make calm decisions has been one of the most important shifts in my life. After all, we make dozens of decisions every day, and over time they compound to shape how it feels to be us. Completion pulls at me. The drive for progress. The desire to be helpful. So do unfinished…
Read moreThe Warrior, the Willing and space between
I’ve never seen either side of me as a problem. It’s just for a long time I didn’t understand them, and perhaps not fully value my different feelings. I’ve been told I’m ‘too nice’ at times, but also too harsh or distant. Knowing what I do now about myself, I can understand that view when…
Read moreFeeling overwhelmed? Why it builds and how to manage it
Overwhelm in day to day life usually builds quietly, often from an accumulation of simple things. There’s too much to do, and not enough space or capacity to do it. It shows up physically before it shows up dramatically. A tight chest. Shallow breathing. Holding your breath while you complete a small task. A mind…
Read morePerfectionism, burnout and the finish line illusion
There is always another finish line. Perfectionism keeps us pushing, and over time that push can lead to burnout. I tell myself that once I submit the proposal, sort the house, complete the training block or have the difficult conversation, I’ll finally relax. That’s the finish line illusion at work. Perfectionism convinces me that calm…
Read moreThe space reflex
The space reflex is the instinct to fill unstructured time with activity, and knowingly or not, avoid emotional exposure. It can be difficult to catch, because we’re busy and life doesn’t typically have much natural space to “just be”. It’s true that productivity and progress can be a form of happiness. But so can peace.…
Read morePutting yourself first
Putting yourself first can feel uncomfortable for some people. For others, it’s instinctive. Some lean too far toward themselves, prioritising their own motives at the expense of everyone else. Deliberate living requires balance. It means holding your needs alongside the needs of the people you care about, rather than consistently elevating one over the other.…
Read moreWhy small shifts in your partner’s mood can trigger anxiety
When your partner feels off, quiet or slightly distant, it can be surprisingly hard to ignore. If you’ve ever wondered “why my partner’s mood affects me”, it’s often that nothing obvious has happened, but something feels different and that change can create anxiety quickly. You can find yourself wondering what’s wrong, what’s changed or whether…
Read moreWill I ever get rid of my insecurities and issues
There’s every chance you will live with your difficulties at some level forever – that doesn’t mean they will be prominent all the time. Everyone has ‘issues’, the list of potential ones is long. In my experience we can get really good at recognising poor brain patterns, dysfunctional behaviours and negative feelings. Then become experts…
Read moreTime doesn’t matter
What you with it does, because none of us know how much time we actually have. We can all consider how we spend our time and what feels best. Some of us choose the mindset that the world happens to us, others believe we get to drive. I think it’s a balance. Some things present…
Read moreEmotions Masterclass: Guilt
Guilt is a feeling of responsibility or remorse for an action you’ve taken, a decision you’ve made, or inaction that conflicts with your moral standards or simply goes against what you think you should have done. Guilt isn’t limited to moral failings; it can arise in everyday decisions Sometimes, guilt stems from societal pressures or…
Read moreEmotional Independence
What is emotional independence? Emotional independence is a skill within emotional intelligence (EQ). It’s the ability to feel emotional energy, care about others and remain open to connection without your emotional state being controlled or overly influenced by the reactions, moods or behaviour of the people around you. It applies not only in close relationships,…
Read moreAnger – a hidden gem
I used to keep anger in my shadow. Not only did I hide it from others, but I didn’t understand why I needed it. Most of us are taught as a kid to suppress rage. It’s too difficult for our parents to deal with, it’s anti-social an unprofessional. I buy into that if it’s left…
Read moreSigns your mental health is dipping
Mental health rarely drops suddenly Mental health changes are often gradual rather than sudden. Small shifts in energy, focus or patience can appear long before anything feels like a serious problem. Because the changes are subtle, they’re easy to ignore or explain away as stress, tiredness or a busy period. Over time those small signals…
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