I’ve never seen either side of me as a problem. It’s just for a long time I didn’t understand them, and perhaps not fully value my different feelings. I’ve been told I’m ‘too nice’ at times, but also too harsh or distant. Knowing what I do now about myself, I can understand that view when I reflect on those moments. Much of this comes down to what happens in the space between stimulus and response.

My Warrior was strong long before I could explain it. It was born out of trauma and the need to survive. When you grow up needing to handle things yourself, something in you develops quickly. Mine became drive. Determination. Grit. Fire. The ability to push through. The ability to shut down feeling when something simply needed doing.

The Warrior: strength, protection and anger

The Warrior in me does the difficult things.

It protects fairness and relationships when protecting them is right and fair. My Warrior steps into conflict if that conflict serves integrity. It absorbs pressure, and carries weight.

It also carries anger and frustration. When something feels unjust or misaligned with my values, that part rises quickly. Fairness being breached triggers it. Loyalty being tested triggers it. A lack of respect does the same.

Sometimes it becomes numb. Not cold. Just functional. It switches off emotion so I can act. That has helped me survive. It has also created distance when it stayed in control too long.

The Willing: compassion, fear and connection

My Willing has always been there too.

That part feels more broadly. It loves. It’s compassionate and curious. It’s highly empathetic and forgives. It laughs and softens moments. It’s the part that wants connection and harmony. It notices when someone is hurt.

It also carries fear. Stress. The tendency to overthink. It can hesitate. It can put others first at the cost of me and avoid necessary tension if it believes that will preserve peace.

I have never seen the Warrior as wrong. I have never seen the Willing as weak.

What I didn’t understand for years was the value of all my emotions. Wisdom helped me see that anger has information. Fear has information. Compassion has information. They’re signals, not threats.

The space between stimulus and response

The shift for me started quietly from one simple and well documented lesson. Between stimulus and response there is a space. No matter how small. And in that space there is a choice.

That understanding is where my Wise emerged, and I began to see what I now call the Decision Maker.

The Wise was always there. But it didn’t always lead.

For much of my life I was driven more by one side or the other. If something was hard, the Warrior took the wheel. If something felt relational, the Willing did. The Wise existed, but it often had no hands on the wheel. I simply didn’t have the maturity.

The Wise: responding instead of reacting

Now I think of it differently.

Each side can have zero, one or both hands on the wheel.

When the Wise has both hands, it’s listening to the Warrior and the Willing equally. I’m steady. It’s not creating my values, just checking alignment with them. Integrity, honesty, trust, loyalty, respect, fairness and humility sit underneath all three parts of me. The Warrior draws on them when it protects. The Willing draws on them when it connects. The Wise makes sure neither side drifts away from them.

If the Wise has one hand, then either the Warrior or the Willing has the other. I’m leaning. I’m influenced. I can feel myself tilting towards action or towards emotion.

For the times when the Wise has no hands on the wheel, I’m being led. Either by fire or by fear. By anger or by avoidance.

Creating space to choose your response

The work for me has not been to silence either side. It has been to create space. To slow the reaction just enough so the Wise can get its hands back on the wheel.

The Warrior still does the difficult things. Sometimes the Wise is informed heavily by the Warrior because the situation demands strength. Sometimes it’s informed more by the Willing because connection is what matters most.

It depends on how difficult the situation is and what’s at stake.

What has changed in the last few years is not that my Warrior is weaker or my Willing is softer. It’s that I stand between them more often. I can feel both. I can hear both. But I don’t have to obey either immediately.

That feels like maturity.

Not the removal of emotion. The integration of it.

My natural default sits slightly to the right, within the Willing. If I feel safe, that’s where I am. Open. Calm. Connected. It feels light. There’s no armour required. At the same time, leaning slightly into my Warrior also feels good. Productive. Focused. In flow. No anxiety, no fear, just momentum. The difference now is that I can feel when I’m leaning and when I’m being pulled. I’m not trying to eliminate either side. I’m learning where I function best and when each part serves me well.

The Warrior was born from survival.

The Willing was always there.

The Wise grew as I realised I can create space.

Now my daily work is to make sure the part of me making the decision, especially under pressure, is the Wise. And step one is creating space between stimulus and response.