A lot of us feel anxious about what others think of our work. That could be the content we create, our website, products or even the presentation we just delivered. This real life article talks about an ongoing struggle I have, specifically with producing things outside of my core career.
What happened
I want to publish personal stories that bring The Decision Maker to life. It makes sense to me for both helping bring further clarity on how the mechanism works, and my emotions connect. It also helps others recognise situations they react in, and thoughts on how to change. So I begin.
As I start to write the “what happened” section, I start to feel tense and worried. My brain starts thinking about people recognising themselves in the article and it upsetting them. Someone thinking I’m not authentic because I don’t show all my emotions, I effectively manage them to choose the response that I want. I can hear the comments that I’m disingenuous and two faced.
My confidence shrinks, I start to back away from the idea. But I also want to do it. Logically it makes sense, and I think the truth is most of us feel all these things anyway. I argue with myself that it’s the authentic thing to do!
What was going on inside
My Willing is the anxious one, it struggles with criticism. It doesn’t like upsetting others or putting itself in the limelight. That is born from past experiences of my parents putting me up against my siblings and cousins, and me not being up to their standards. It’s also the childhood and later adult wound of being abandoned and that growing sense of not being good enough.
My Warrior isn’t online, because it’s there to protect, and it recognises the concern my Willing has is real. So instead of overshadowing the worry with a stronger feeling of fight, it stays dormant because it understands that pushing this could create too much discomfort for my Willing.
My Wise voice is the second one that I hear. It’s trying to bring logic and fact to the conversation. It’s gentle and just enough to counter balance my Willing and bring me back up a little. It understands that my Willing voice needs to be respected, because it’s well trained in pain and trauma. But at the same time, my Wise knows that being authentic is all about being real about what you feel. And even if that results in choosing differently, and not reacting, that’s wisdom not being two faced or disingenuous.
What acting with full awareness looks like
Giving myself space to feel, and checking in at different points to see what my Wise is hearing from My Warrior and Willing on this topic. The intensity of the anxiety isn’t the same each time I sit down to write. Sometimes my confidence is higher, sometimes lower. There are moments when my mission to help others act more deliberately feels more compelling than the anxiety of putting myself in the firing line. Checking in with myself multiple times over weeks, rather than deciding when the emotional spikes are at their sharpest, helps my Wise make an informed call.
Reminding myself that there’s no deadline on this. Nothing is ever perfect, and others will always see it differently. That’s part of the grounding of Actfullness, to act with full awareness, not to act flawlessly.
Then doing the actual editorial work. Making sure the content is honest, anonymous to others, and balanced. Adding the line that names what the irritation was really about. Choosing to write in “I” rather than “you” so the article is lived rather than projected. Dropping the word “again” from the title so it doesn’t sit in judgement of the person it’s about. Each small decision is my Wise choosing, on purpose, what’s fair and accurate.
I also remind myself that telling the truth makes me feel lighter. I remember that lesson as a 7 year old when I accidentally smashed a milk bottle.