My loved ones, therapist, and even that discomfort in my gut have all told me the same thing—I lack balance in where I direct my focus and should put myself first more. But I’ve struggled with this, especially in my most important relationships and work. The very idea feels like it contradicts my core beliefs and values while triggering two of my deepest fears.

In principle I get that in order to be there for others, I need to be OK myself – it’s the analogy of putting your own oxygen mask on first. I also understand that meeting the needs of my different parts (warrior, inner child) is important for happiness too – but two powerful forces have been pulling me in the opposite direction:

1. Fear: My fears of abandonment from my partner and my kids saying “You weren’t there” have driven me to almost always put their needs first. These fears may have even shaped my belief and value system in the first place.
2. Values: I believe deeply in acts of service, hard work, understanding others, being open-minded to being wrong, compromise in relationships, the power of teamwork, and supporting the people I love.

I couldn’t figure out whether I needed to change my belief system entirely or find a way to make these conflicting forces coexist.

The Shift: From “Putting Myself First” to “Looking After Myself Too”

The phrase “putting myself first” has always felt selfish and out of alignment with who I am. But when I re-frame it as “looking after myself too”, it suddenly fits. This isn’t to say “putting yourself first” is actually selfish, it’s a matter of what that means to someone.

It’s about ensuring I’m healthy, enjoying life, and maintaining emotional balance—not just for myself, but for those I love. The word “too” changes everything. It acknowledges that self-care isn’t selfish; it’s a necessity alongside caring for others.

What It Doesn’t Mean

• Ignoring my loved ones
• Stopping acts of service
• Eating whatever I want all the time
• Working less or being lazy
• Doing my own thing at the expense of others

What It Does Mean

• Resting when I need to
• Setting clear boundaries
• Giving myself grace instead of guilt
• Investing in exercise and nutrition
• Taking time for my brain
• Saying no as well as yes
• Supporting and spending time with my loved ones—because that fulfils me too

This isn’t about changing who I am. It’s about expanding how I apply my values. By looking after myself too, I ensure I can keep showing up for the people who matter most.

These are my key takeaways

1. The power of “too” – I’m not replacing care for others with care for myself; I’m integrating both. This removes the guilt that’s been holding me back.
2. My fears have shaped my values – My drive to avoid abandonment and ensure my kids never feel neglected has built a strong foundation of selflessness. But balance doesn’t mean abandoning those values—it means applying them to myself as well.
3. Coexistence, not conflict – I don’t need to change my beliefs; I need to expand them. Acts of service include me.
4. Boundaries as strength, not selfishness – Saying no, prioritising my needs, and resting aren’t acts of neglect; they’re acts of sustainability.
5. Happiness is a shared experience – When I’m healthier, happier, and more at peace, my loved ones benefit too.

Taking action

Applying this shift requires intentional actions that reinforce “looking after myself too” without guilt. Here’s how:

1. Decision filter: “Does this include me too?”

Before making a decision, ask:

• Am I considering my own needs as well as others’ in this?
• If this were for someone I love, would I tell them to say yes or no?

2. Set non-negotiables

Identify core habits that support your well-being and commit to them:

• Exercise & Nutrition: Prioritise workouts and healthy meals without seeing them as optional.
• Rest & Recovery: Allow downtime without needing to “earn” it.
• Mental Space: Schedule time for reflection, hobbies, or just doing nothing.

3. Communicate boundaries clearly

• With your partner: “I need to go for a run after work today—let’s plan some time together after.”
• With work: “I won’t check emails after 8 PM unless urgent.”
• With your kids: “Dad needs 30 minutes to recharge, then we can play.”

4. Challenge the guilt in real-time

• When guilt creeps in, remind yourself: “This isn’t taking away from my loved ones—it’s making sure I can show up better for them.”
• Reframe acts of self-care as investment rather than indulgence.

5. Small steps, not overhauls

• Choose one self-care habit to prioritise this week.
• Practice one small “no” without over-explaining.
• Track one moment where you felt balanced and reinforce it.